What is going on in my head, why do I have this need to blog? What is it about this medium that enables me verify my existence with the world, do I have a need to be seen. Is it a kind of need to be famous and known by others in some way?
Now I have always considered myself a simple person with clear values and a sense of black and white in all things, but since the birth of my son that changed. Now I know how I feel about things and I'm clear on right and wrong, but somethings have smudged. Like I never joined the army as I knew one day that I would be called upon to maybe take another persons life. Now I could have avoided that in the signal core, but the need would still be there. And I don't think I could have done it, sure they may have trained me to act on instinct but I have a strong mind. Now all that has changed, if my family was threatened in some way I don't think I would even draw breath. Sure it would haunt me, but I would know the reasons I did it and my black and white mind would justify it all.
Saying all this I am a changed man, a little while ago, in my own words I went 'a little strange'. Depression and stress kicked in, I felt myself fall, dragging those around with me. And I grabbed and spluttered as I went down, but I threw myself a life line, went to the doctors and have had counselling. After it all I'm now on some little white tablets for the next 4 months, 6 in all.
So the question I ask is this me? I know that the tablets are fixing a imbalance in my mind, just like a splint helps fix broken bones. Or that injection helps those that suffer with diabetes, but this is my mind. Does this change in chemicals to stop me spiralling away also stop me being me?
After all I am the person I am due to the signals and chemical reactions that occur in my brain, by changing this have I changed who I am... If I have changed then why I am I writing these questions, why have I not spoken to this with my wife. What is it about this keyboard, laptop and screen that makes it easy for me to free my mind and write the things that I think, that I can't do in my life. Have I become attached to the PC so long that it is now a extension of me, have I become cyberpunk'ed and not realised. Is my lack of empathy all due to this, have I just worked in the logical IT career to long. I would have loved to have been a plumber, how much of a different person would I have been, maybe the birth of my son has some how pulled these feeling and emotions to the surface and made me realise as my thoughts of him are so clear. I know how I feel with him and yet have so many questions for myself.
Like why airsofting? Is there a underlying need to fight that I have crushed all these years? Why during and after did I get such a rush, even have a need to go again. I'm not a violent person and yet I enjoyed it so, even the marks it left on my body has left me feeling chuffed. Like some sort of battle scare, god next I'll be getting a tattoo. And how I don't like the idea of one of those on my body.
Maybe over the years I have calmed these things with my motorbike, out riding with nothing but the road to worry me. Now there is more in my life and I don't have the same flexibility I had to just go out and let the stress drift away so now I need something else. Something more intense to remind me I'm alive...
Maybe I write this so that maybe someone else will know my mind and remind me I'm not the only one going through this, but also I have a connection to these machines which has grown over the years. While in the sense of 'cyberpunk' I don't have a robotic arm, eye, or lung I do have this which is no longer a laptop but a extension of me.
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